Got Bob?

Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

1:10 am - french canadians can suck my left tit

I cannot stand french canadian snowbirds...(you will notice that i will NOT capitalize "french", "canada", "quebec" or "canadian" ever in this blog, they do not deserve it!)

All they do is clutter up South Florida, and cause general mayhem. We should decrease the amount of time they are allowed to stay here from 6 months to 2 weeks. It should be a vacation spot, NOT a second residence.

There are many things i dislike about them, but i will only talk about a few.

Fuck them and their goddamn quebec license plates. All i ever see during the winter when I get cut off is "je me souviens." They cannot drive! What the FUCK!?!? How do they get drivers licenses? What the fuck is the test? How fast can you chug a bottle of maple syrup while skinning a beaver?

When they get a fucking visa or whatever to stay here, they should be obligated to take a driving test to get an american drivers license. This has got to stop. I do not like fearing for my life each time i get on the road. It stresses me out!

The next thing that pisses me off to no end is how fucking goddamn cheap they are! FUCK! There are no fucking discounts....NO IT IS NOT ON SALE.....FUCK YOU CANUCKS!

I can't stand when they come into my store and try to fucking haggle with me like its 1765 and we are on the fucking barter system....No i will not take 40 dollars for a 75 dollar item, come back with the correct fucking amount....

Next time a fucking canadian comes into my store, and pulls this shit on me, then talks about me like i am stupid in french to his other canadian ass licking friend, i am going to jump over the goddamn counter and stab him with a fucking pen in the goddamn eyeball.

current mood:

numb

Monday, February 5th, 2007

4:00 pm - Fuck You Myspace

So...I am posting this here, but i am also cross posting this on my brand spanking new myspace account.

Now, i bet you are wondering why i would have a myspace account with a title like that aren't you? well, its simple...Myspace decided to start sending me emails AFTER i deleted my myspace account whenever people who i was subscribed to blogged.

Normally when you get unwanted emails there is a little link at the bottom that you can go to and unsubscribe yourself from the mailing list. Well, this is not the case with these pain in the ass emails. Whenever Lisa or EVD blogged i was notified via email, this could be multiple spam messages a day sometimes.

If you want to remove yourself from the email notifications you must login to your account and unsubscribe from these god forsaken blogs. The only issue is, I HAD NO ACCOUNT ANYMORE. I fucking emailed myspace, and they didn't give a shit, they just sent me a canned response which was probably meant to help someone else fix a different problem.

So in a fit of drunken rage i decided i should sign up for myspace again, and use the same email address in the hopes it would kick out my old subscriptions. Then i did the stupidest fucking thing i should have....i friended my sister again....

So, lisa calls me up this morning and makes sure i keep the myspace account and start actually start blogging again. Then matt fucking makes me stick with myspace, so what i am going to do periodically is write FUCK MYSPACE blogs all over myspace. I will be the first fucking person ever to write anti myspace propaganda ON myspace.

in closing, FUCK MYSPACE

Thursday, February 1st, 2007

12:54 am - I can feel my eyeballs

I swear, i can feel my eyeballs. tonight, i smoked way too much crippy.........been sitting here listening to my friends on ventrillo, and i smoked 2 big bowls of the finset chiba this side of the alamo..

fauck i am stoned ans shit.

i dont raelly have aything to talk about, i just felt like saying this all to you. my eyes are closed and i am typing this. so ,,,, i dunno it just feels cool to type with your eytes closed. i proboabaly have made like 20 mistakes but who gives a fuck? i sjure dont.... really i dont....

I am still typing with my eyes closed and i stillm dont have anything to say. I am bob, hear me roar!!!!

everytiome i shake my head, i can feel my eyes gfoung up and down...

itsw a weird sensation, like they are suspended by squicky roprs and lined with velvet

still clised eytes I one day hope to read this and think back about how stoned i was....if i even remember this n ight. wow i almost have the spins...sweet

current mood:

thirsty

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006

1:08 pm - I feel so ashamed

It has come to my attention that my Sensei, and idol, has come out with his own "energy drink". At one point in my life, i regarded him higher then any living thing on the planet put together! In 1988, he took down the mafia singlehandedly. In 1990, he took down the voodoo underground kingpin "Screwface". In 1992, he saved his ship from terrorists, and Gary Busey. Many more things were accomplised but i will leave this short.

Today, i feel slighted. Like i was wronged somehow. How could i invest my whole life to this person, and have them kick me in the head with this announcement? Why? God why?

But wait, i must regain my hope. This was a test, to see if i am still loyal to him. Maybe it is in his intricate plan to take down a drug lord in the greater chicago area. Yes, that is it! I can regain my confidence in his abilities, and marketing choices. For he is my Idol, master, and reason for living.

Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, i give to you....

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt- Get Charged!

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

10:55 pm - Hi, I'm Santa, come steal me.

Today i come to you with 2 subjects of such wisdom your head may asplode! YES! 2!!!! It's amazing what you can think of while hopped up on todays designer narcotics....That and ways to keep yourself from drooling....but we can talk about that later.

Subject 1:
Why would anyone steal Santa?

Subject 2:(or otherwise known as the meat of my post)

Pre/Post-hating:

I've come to the conclusion that i am going to create a new state of "hate." First lets get some definitions out of the way:

Hate:

1.
1. To feel hostility or animosity toward.
2. To detest.
2. To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes.

Pre-:

1. Earlier; before; prior to: prenatal.
2. Anterior; in front of: preaxial.

Post-:

1. After; later: postmillennial.
2. Behind; posterior to: postaxial.

Ok now that we are all smarter then we were before.....on to the real learning. I have figured out that there are 3 states of "hating."

First, the Pre-hate. The pre-hate is used when you know damn well you will hate someone after alot of interaction with them. You may not hate them yet, but you know in your heart that you will eventually. I say, get the hating out of the way now. This way you will never get to the point of actual hating.

Second, Current hate. The Actual hating occurs after something very unrighteous goes down, or the build up of multiple things over time. This is not something you want to go through, so i would suggest using the pre-hate to avoid these things early.

Third, Post-Hate. The post hate is something that occurs years in the future. One of those days you think back and remember someone you didn't hate at the time, but their actions changed your life in a way that you would not know until years down the line. Post-Hate is unfortunate, but you really can't stop it from occurring. Unless you are a shut in, or have near perfect friends/family.

I would suggest that everyone uses my pre-hate system, but is wary of its effects on others. You must be careful who you pre-hate, as sometimes they would have never made you hate them anyway.....Fuck it, HATE THE WORLD, HATE THEM ALL!

current mood: indescribable
current music: Nothingface - Skeletons

Monday, December 5th, 2005

12:52 am - Fuckin A!

Ah....Another blog from yours truly. This time i actually have nothing to write about so i am going to just let it free flow. A fresh brain leakage with no thought, directly into this blog.

Creativity.....this is what i battle with right now. If i win, this will be quite the blog, and inspire many comments and acts of lunacy from my enormous fanbase. Sometimes its just really hard to think up something to talk about. Especially if your normal day to day really hasn't changed much in the last year. I require fresh things to write about. It doesn't matter if its satire, sarcasm, or even cynicism. It's just what i need.

I need a refreshing cup of nuevo lager or something. I am tired of drinking same shit different day.. It just doesn't taste good anymore. Not that it ever tasted good, but after about 10 months of it it really gets bad. I mean really...its WAY past its expiration date. I don't want to get herpes or anything from drinking it but well, its all i got!

Back to the matter at hand. A blog of such unforseen awesomeness that it will shake the pillars of heaven. It still hasn't started yet, but i am sure it will soon. As i am getting this gut feeling that something great will happen soon. Like the feeling i get before an epic bowel movement.

You know, when your stomach hurts so bad and then you get that rumble....from down under. When you hear weird sounds coming from your abdomen....YES the epic shit is upon you. You know deep in your heart that this will be the shit of all shit's. The thing that will brighten up your day. Without this shit, you would feel horrible still, and be atleast 3 pounds heavier on the scale.

Again i have strayed from my path! Tangents seem to be greater then my current objective of creating the post of all posts. The leader of the pack, king of the peasants, lion among gazelle. A post that will eat other posts for breakfast, vomit them up, and eat them again! Not only will it eat other posts it will actively search for the weakened, elderly, and infant posts. For they are easier to catch and still taste like chicken!

Why does everything taste like chicken? Is it just a......hmmm i believe i rambled too much so far. My original intentions were squashed by my ADD. Oh well, maybe next time i can stay on subject. :)

current mood:

bouncy
current music: Dream Theater

Thursday, November 24th, 2005

12:17 am - i just have one thing to say.....

COCK! that is all.
(comment on this)

12:09 am - So tonight i decided to IM everyone on my buddy list random nonsensical things.....

Now i give you a taste of what everyone recieved. Their responses are mine....and mine alone. You may not have the souls i have reaped.

[23:40] Imortalbob: pussy tastes good....i suggest you try some medication.

[23:41] Imortalbob: i eat children's toes when the mood strikes
[
[23:42] Imortalbob: my lefty pinky smells of womens perfume and swiss cheese.....

[23:42] Imortalbob: i ran a marathon tonight, all 24 miles in my room.

[23:43] Imortalbob: sometimes you are the peach, sometimes the brick, god only knows how.

[23:43] Imortalbob: life is like a box of condoms, never know what you are going to eat.

[23:46] Imortalbob: Soul collecting is my favorite pasttime, that and playing rugby with a spoon.

[23:47] Imortalbob: I like to forage for garbage in my refridgerator.....

[23:48] Imortalbob: Eating flies and then taking a dump......creating cannibal insects

[23:49] Imortalbob: Yarr a pirate i bee, Honey be my name.....what have you!

[23:50] Imortalbob: Madness creates sleep deprivation....which in turn spits out celery.

[23:50] Imortalbob: Ah the spelling bee, why is my right toe itchy?

[23:51] Imortalbob: pandas are like gravy, everyone needs a boat

[23:55] Imortalbob: eating cheese and creating rifts between friends, these are the things i like to smell.

[23:58] Imortalbob: 9 degrees of ecuador you will find the hashish buried in a man's purse.

[00:02] Imortalbob: Today i eat like i am dead in the sense of the feeling.

[00:03] Imortalbob: me and my friend peddled along on a hookah built for two.....

[00:08] Imortalbob: Monsters eat like kings in the land of the rotting river of electronics.

current mood:

jubilant
current music: Rage - Beginning of the End

Saturday, October 8th, 2005

11:09 am - wtf ouch!

So, today i decided to go to the butche......dentist. I went in for a general cleaning and checkup. This dude pokes and prods me with his little pokey tool. Normally this is ok dentist behavior, but this man was out for blood! I swear he stabbed my gums all over the place, it hurt every tooth he went after. He had to stab the gums, THEN do the scraping thing. WTF?!?!?

That hurt....alot. I think he continued stabbing me because i didn't wince at the pain, and he was some kind of sadist not getting off because i wasn't playing into his game! The reason i didn't wince was because i figured if i moved he would probably stab me again. I probably have like 30 holes in my gums right now....

current mood:

irate

Monday, October 3rd, 2005

1:34 pm - Natural Disaster, I blame you......

A huge topic that has been everywhere has been hurricanes, God’s wrath or Global warming. According to an article from the Washington Post, one third of people believe that the recent natural disasters in the United States are not so natural but actually are a deliberate act on God’s part.

I think people need to educate themselves on the history of the world before they come to these absurd conclusions. This earth has gone through so many changes; Ice ages, warm-ups, continental drifts, magnetic shifts, species dieing off, etc. I can not say that global warming is the cause for the abundance of strong hurricanes. But I think it is a more realistic theory than God’s Wrath.

People need to stop blaming God and prepare themselves for these occurrences. If they live in a flood plain, expect to be flooded. If you live in an earthquake, tornado, or hurricane prone area you will at one point in your life have to experience one. There is no really safe place in this world, just people who think there is.

Another thing that bothers me is the people who like to point at others and blame them for natural disasters. Sure things could have been done to avoid some deaths, or some buildings being destroyed. But there is no reason whatsoever to point fingers at politicians because a natural disaster hit your city. This is a time to help others, and generate some good will towards the victims of said disaster.

Generosity begets more generosity. Complaining about who did what, or who didn’t spend their money on the right thing does nothing but generate bad feelings towards everything. In this time of need, we as a whole should be thinking about how to help people affected by a disaster then figuring out how we can punish the officials that are in no way responsible for a natural disaster randomly attacking your town.

Besides, there is time later for beheadings :D

current mood:

annoyed

1:29 pm - Why is it i root for the underdog?

Never fear! Underdog is here!

My favorite baseball team is the New York Mets. Why do i choose to follow a baseball team that does horrible 99f the time? It can't be because i am a new yorker, because at that point i could just follow the Yankees.

Maybe it's because i don't like to jump on the bandwagon. Everyone and their mother loves the Yankees, or despises them.

Seriously, the Mets usually suck so bad that if they were a gay man, they would be the bottom, taking it in the ass every time, and never giving it.

It also occurs to me that Yankees fans dissavow the existance of the Mets. Why is this? Are they such bandwagoneers that they have no love for other New York teams?

I really hate sheep, and unfortunatly thats what 99% of the populace is. Just following someone else. This turn into a relgion rant about this time, but i will end it as-is.

All i gotta say is Fuck all of you band wagon, sheep fucking, hanging onto the guy's dick infront of you so you dont get led astray motherfuckers. Like a big fucking cock gobbling conga line.

People should learn to think for themselves. Think outside of the goddamn box. Life isn't contained to what you think you may believe, search for more answers. Don't follow the general populace!

Bob out

current mood:

bitchy

1:28 pm - So i did some surgury on my computer over the last 2 days

Some unknown time ago(months atleast, maybe over a year) one of the power wires in my computer got snagged by the CPU fan. The fan died from being stuck. jump to 2 months ago...

I open up my case for the first time in a while to change out my cdrom. i noticed the snagged wire, pulled it out, and low and behold the fan was dead.

So, i decide that it's been running ok for months now with no issues, i figure i can wait till i find a suitable replacement fan. I finally convince my friend to sell me his 80mm Tornado fan a few days ago. Yesterday i take my computer apart, and am about to put the new fan in when i notice the new fan is about a half inch thicker then the old fan. Well crap, the screws are too short...

I didn't have time to run out to a hardware store, so i put it back together and left it with a bare heatsink(which probably cooled better with no dead fan on it anymore) and let my computer wait yet again. Today i made it to ACE hardware to find replacement screws. The hardware lady lets me know that she doesn't and will never have the screws i need....So i decide to buy shorty screws(with a different thread size) to go through the bottom rung of the fan, and rethread the holes. I get home, all goes well, fan powers up, i am happy.

Then when i get my monitor plugged in i find out "No boot device available" I am like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(Vader no ofcourse). During the surgury i decided to reroute power wires, and IDE cables. long story short, it turns out after a half hour of screwing with it that my main HDD needs to be on the slave side of the ide cable.....ugh

current mood:

relieved

1:27 pm - Sometimes i wonder why things like this pop into my head

I was making some toast today, and i looked over at my fat cat named princess. This cat lays around all day and basicly doesnt even move other then to take a shit or eat.

So this is when the gears in my head started turning as i buttered my piece of toast. What i want to know is if we(humans) did not domesticate certain animals, would they even be around today?

For instance, cows. Cows are dumb animals, they cant run all that fast, and only the male's have any hope of defending themselves against a predator. If we didn't have steak/veal(mmmmm baby cow...) farms, would they even be alive today? I would say the last known cow would have died about 150 years ago.

Dogs. Dogs I think would have a decent chance of survival. They can be fierce, can run fast, sharp teeth. They are a predator.

Cats. Housecats may have survived for the same reasons dogs would have, but they seem too territorial to form packs of hunting cats. Big cats(lions tigers and bears, oh my....well not bears) have shown they can hunt with the best of them. Mainly because of size, speed, and ferocity.

Sheep/goats/pigs. See cows.

At this point i had finished buttering my second piece of toast, and oh did it taste good. :)

current mood:

pensive

Saturday, September 17th, 2005

5:14 pm - ungrateful people should die in fires....

I helped Matt and his father move today from their old place to a new apartment. This was supposed to be scheduled for sunday. The whole time his father is bitching that I had to leave early since i have somewhere to be tonight. WTF? I move all his heavy shit into the Uhaul van, and move it all out into his new place, and he has the audacity to complain? I don't get people.

The only thing that could have made my day worse would be petting a burning dog....

current mood:

exhausted

4:04 am - I had a thought today....

I wonder, do retarded people curse? Seriously, i have never heard a retarded person ever utter any obscenity. Infact, every one i have ever met has always had a smile on their face. Always chipper and cheerie......it makes me sick. Now, barring teret's, i also wonder if a retarded person picked up a curse, would they even know it was profane? Would the symbolism behind the word even be known? I for one think it would be interesting(and funny) to be cursed out by a retarded person. At first i wouldn't know what to think. Do i take offense? Does he/she know what they said?

Discuss....

current mood:

pensive

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Sunday, September 4th, 2005

11:29 pm - what the fuck did i do to deserve things like these?

What the fuck. Why is it every time i go out of my way and do something to benefit someone else i get fucked in the ass for it? I seriously can't fucking figure it out. Here is a little story....

I have been sick since Saturday evening. I got no sleep, and was sick most of sunday(today). Iam hanging out with matt and he gets a call and it seems his father is stuck on the side of the road because his car overheated. Being the nice guy i am, i go out with matt in my car to help him get back home after the car is towed to the shop. We sit there for a bit over an hour at this hot and fucking humid gas station, where there are fucking homeless people that keep asking us for spare change. The truck comes, picks up his car and starts on its way. I pull out of the gas station, and bottom out on something. Little do i know but it created a hole and all of my fucking oil drained out. A mile down the road my engine seizes and now my car is fucking useless.

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED! why the fuck do i have to deal with this? Who did i fuck over to deserve things like this? This has been the worst fucking year of my life to date, and that is pretty goddamn bad.

:(

current mood:

pissed off

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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

1:31 am - hmm

i havent posted here ina while, so i am saying hi
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Tuesday, June 14th, 2005

11:23 am - oh my god

http://www.gigantour.com/flash.html
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Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

4:01 pm - Deuces were wild

You ever take a shit so powerful and so destructive that your legs lift off the ground and you clutch the toilet with your hands in screaming agony? Such was my morning.

It all starts last night. I speak with Dave around 6:00; he says his dad's computer is having some issues with the wireless card. Of course i say i can take a look at it. Before we get to his house, we stop and get dinner. This consists of steaming hot curly fries and 50 hot wings. We get back to his house and devour 90% of the wings, along with the fries while watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. After a while neither of us can eat anymore wings. At this point i start to look at his father’s laptop. All is repaired in due time. Shortly afterwards i go home, and have a night which stories will be told of for generations to come.

Last night was filled with nightmares, waking up with cold sweats, and a churning deep within my bowels even Satan would be afraid of. A long and seemingly endless night it was. But finally at 6:23am this morning it was time to expel my unwanted friend. At this point my ailment had acquired sentience through some unknown means. It was fighting me from the inside, beating my bowels, spitting on my spleen, and verbally assaulting my kidneys. I sat upon the toilet, clutching it tightly and squeezed my foe until he gave up, and was released unto his watery grave. Sweating profusely, and drained of all energy that I had left, I crawled to my bed and slept to regain my strength.